Smooth Talk
by Bchets
Summary: 8man suddenly loses his ability to say what's on his mind. Instead everything that comes out of his mouth is surprisingly... smooth.
1. Chapter 1

**Smooth Talk**

The concept of language is quite interesting. Developed in order to communicate with others, we use language or see it being used everyday. Whether it's a simple "I'm home," or a long post on the internet tearing apart Zaimokuza's latest attempt at a light novel, language conveys our feelings to others.

Rather, it attempts to. Words cannot convey exactly what we are thinking or feeling. One of the limitations of language is that there are only so many words and phrases. Not every feeling or thought can be expressed because of this obvious limitation. And although language continued to evolve to try to overcome this problem, there is little possibility of it reaching that point.

Moreover, the knowledge of the person speaking or writing limits their respective use of language. A five-year-old would (in most cases) be worse at conveying their feelings than a grown adult. And even between adults, the level of education greatly affects the use of language. Or in the case of Zaimokuza, his use of obscure kanji make it so that no one can understand his writings.

Another limit is the connotations that society imposes on certain words. Synonyms, while having very similar meanings, are often associated with very different things. "Combat" seems very official, like military combat or combatting a disease. On the other hand, "fight" seems more personal, like two brothers fighting.

However, the biggest limitation on our use of language is human imperfection. Accidentally using the wrong word or misunderstanding what someone means could be fatal to the conversation and, potentially, the relationship. Saying things we don't mean, or mishearing something can also prevent us from achieving perfect communication.

Even more to this point, people can use language to lie. Lying greatly affects relationships and knowledge. If we can't tell someone is lying, then we will believe what that person is saying as truth. If we know someone is lying, that thought lies in the back of our heads, making us doubt everything that person says.

Language doesn't instantly transmit feelings. Language doesn't always convey facts. Language can be misused. Language greatly differs from person to person. Yet we still use it. We rely on it heavily to communicate with each other.

While imperfect in many ways, language remains and continues to grow. And everyday, people misuse it in one way or another. Sadly, there's only one way to avoid misunderstandings and lies conveyed through language, though I cannot condone it.

Never communicate with anyone at all.

* * *

The heater in the clubroom was rumbling, sparing us from the cold of winter. The tea on the table also gave off warmth as I took breaks from my light novel to sip it. But despite all of this, there was one source of cold that was still activated in this warm room, and she was sitting across from me.

"Hikigaya-kun."

"Hm?" I looked over at Yukinoshita, who had brought out the laptop Hiratsuka-sensei gave us to answer requests. She was currently wearing the glasses I gave her for her birthday, which made my heart skip a beat.

"We have a request. Could you get your eyes out of that trashy book for once?" Now normally, I would let that comment slide. However, I happened to like this light novel. No one insults Claire Rouge **[1]** on my watch! So with the idea that I should retort her, I spoke without much thinking.

"Sorry, it keeps me from falling in love with the two pretty girls across from me." Even though I was across the table from the two girls, I could see their faces turn red instantly. Huh? What did I just say? After realizing, even I blushed.

"H-Hikki?!" Yuigahama looked at me curiously while still flustered. And in an attempt to amend what I had just done, I proceeded to say, "I'm sorry."

But that apology never came. Instead...

"I'm just saying what's been on my mind this entire time. You two really are pretty." Ah... I did it again. I should act like Tsugumi **[2]** and pound my head on the wall for saying that.

Yukinoshita and Yuigahama looked stunned. Unable to take the awkwardness in the room, I decided to come up with an excuse to leave the room. Ah, maybe I just need to drink MAX Coffee to stop doing this! I stood up and informed them of where I was going.

"I'm gonna get drinks. You guys want anything? Other than me?" Well, that went horribly. I had never seen Yuigahama and Yukinoshita more red in my entire time with them. Moreover, they both looked like they were about to faint. I'd probably faint out of disgust, too, if someone like me complimented me.

"Nothing? Well, you'll just have to settle for me, then." Okay, I really can't talk at all or else everything will come out like that. I saw Yukinoshita tremble a little before she looked at me. Hopefully, she won't ask me something that I have to respond to. If so, I might blurt out something embarrassing again.

"H-Hikigaya-kun... Please leave." I walked out without saying a word, following Yukinoshita's order.

* * *

The hallway was pretty empty, as usual after a certain time, but there were still some people hanging out at school. Many of them were chatting without a care in the world. However, with my ability to say what I mean impaired, I couldn't do the same. Naturally, I avoided all contact with the normals, but today I took extra care not to bump into anyone I knew. Ah, if I run into Totsuka I might confess to him on the spot! Wait, that might not be too bad...

Usually, most of the people who knew me would not be here still. Well, with the exception of Zaimokuza. I imagine that Hayama, Ebina, Miura and Kawasomething each have something planned for the day. If I run into Zaimokuza it should be fine… Especially since I usually ignore him anyway.

As I was thinking of that, I turned the corner and saw Ebina and Miura near the girl's bathroom. Huh, why were they still here this late? I immediately backtracked a little, then looked around the corner to see that they disappeared. Thinking that it was safe, I moved forward. As soon as I passed the corner, I heard someone call out to me.

"Hey, Hikio!" That's not my name... I realized I had made a grave mistake. Hopefully it was just going to be us waving at each other in passing... I turned to see Miura walking quickly towards me. I gulped at the sight.

"What did you do to Yui?" I couldn't defend myself from that question. After all, there was nothing I could say to justify what I did. "She was acting weird over the phone and said it was your fault. What happened?" Panicking, I quickly opened my mouth to speak.

"Hayama is an idiot for not falling for a babe like you." Miura walked up closer to me and grabbed me by the collar. Oi, you're stronger than you look. My scouter didn't show that you had such a high power level! **[4]**

"What did you say about Hayato?" Please don't make me speak. We're both going to regret it if you do. "Well?"

"Being this close to you made me realize just how beautiful you are." Ah… there it goes again. I really don't have any control over this, you know. As I was thinking that, Miura's face flushed.

"W-what?!"

"Most guys would love to be in this position with you." The Fire Queen only got redder, living up to her nickname. Because of the close distance between us, I could almost feel heat emanating from her. Looking at Miura like this… she was definitely pretty. Thinking of that made my heart race. I had to get out of this situation somehow… "Well, are you gonna keep holding me like this? Or do you want me to make the first move?"

… Why did it have to come out like that?

"H-huh? Oh…" Miura let go of me and walked away quickly. Well, I was glad that it worked and she let me go. Unfortunately, I was headed the same direction she stormed off in. I watched her turn a corner. Okay, it's safe to move forward now. As I neared the corner she turned into, I started to hear heavy breathing, as if someone had just stopped running and was exhausted. I looked around the corner to find Miura leaning on the wall with her hand to her chest. Luckily she was facing downwards and in the opposite direction, so she didn't see me.

"W-what was that about… Was Hikio always..." She trailed off and continued to breathe heavily. I had never seen Miura act like that before. Oh, I get it… Forgive me for making you sick, Miura. I wish it was in my power to stop saying these things, but I really am unable to keep my mouth shut. As I walked further down the corridor, I watched her stand up straight and walk away from where I was walking. Well, luckily that ordeal was over. I continued walking forward, only to be stopped by someone else calling my name… Well, something close enough to my name.

"Hikitani-kun!" I turned to see Ebina walking towards me and waving.

* * *

As Ebina neared me, I tried to think of a way to escape. However, after further thinking, I realized it would be awkward to run away now, as we had already made eye contact. Wait, wouldn't it be more awkward for her to hear whatever I might say? I can't run down the nearest corridor because I don't think seeing Miura again would be pleasant for anyone… As I was panicking, Ebina had reached where I was.

"Hey, Hikitani-kun. Have you seen Yumiko-chan? I was just with her, but now I don't know where she is." Ah, crap. It's a question I have to answer. I'll just point to direct her. "Huh? I don't get what you're pointing at. Do you know where she is?"

Ebina got closer to me as she asked that. And folding under the pressure to answer, I opened my mouth to speak.

"You know I only have eyes for you." This really has to stop soon. Otherwise I might have to isolate myself from everyone! I'll become a NEET and live off Komachi's cooking! Wait, that second part didn't sound so bad…

"Fuhuhu… You should really save saying those things to Hayato, right?" It's a good thing Ebina is rotten. That would have been embarrassing for me if it was anyone else. Thanks for being a fujoshi **[3]** , Ebina! Suddenly, I had the impulse to speak to her.

"You're the one I want to say that to, you know."

"Ahaha. Say more lines that you would use on Hayato! Because you definitely wouldn't be using them on a rotten girl like me."

"You're not rotten. In fact, you're perfect." Hearing that, Ebina's nose exploded, reminiscent of a certain ninja pervert **[5]**. Wow, this girl really is rotten. I walked her to the nurse's office, which was nearby.

We entered, but as per usual (well, in anime at least), the nurse was not there. I guess it's slightly better than having Caren here... I helped her into one of the beds and grabbed tissues from the nurse's desk. I gave them to Ebina, and she cleaned up her nose. I opened my mouth to ask if she needed any more help, but…

"I'm willing to stay with you. Forever, in fact." Hearing that, Ebina's nose erupted once more. I hurried back to the nurse's desk and grabbed the whole box of tissues. I gave them to Ebina.

"Thanks... Stop talking like that. If you keep saying those things… I might really-" Feeling the sudden impulse to speak once more, I opened my mouth again.

"Shh, you need your beauty sleep. Although, you're already plenty beautiful." Ebina's nose became a fountain of blood, and she fainted. Well, I guess what she was going to say was, "Might really pass out," because that's what ended up happening. I left the sleeping Ebina in the nurse's office, making a mental note to check on her after I get my MAX Coffee.

After dealing with all of that, I finally had the chance to get the MAX Coffee I had been craving. Wait, wasn't it just an excuse to leave the clubroom? Well, I am craving it now I suppose. Hmm… did I make up an excuse and end up believing in it? That's a pretty good example of the power of words. Maybe I have the power of Bettenou **[6]**? Wait, that may end up bad considering what I had said today…

However, what worried me was my inability stop myself from speaking. I hope everyone realizes that this is all just a misunderstanding… Though, I may not get the chance to explain to them. I might die of embarrassment if it happens again!

I peeked into the nurse's office to see if Ebina was okay. She was still passed out on the bed. I'll just tell Yuigahama to tell Miura about her... That is, if I can get my words out correctly.

I took another sip of the MAX Coffee before turning around to see a silver ponytail swaying as Kawasomething walked pass. I turned back around in order to hide from her. It's a good thing Stealth Mode is one of my 108-

"You… What are you doing?"

* * *

Hey everyone. Reviews are, as always, appreciated!

So, I was inspired to make this after reading a guest review on one of my other fics (I forget which one. Probably the Vday one). I think the request was that 8man had to say what was on his mind. Anyway, I took that and twisted it. So thanks for that!

Okay, I'm not much of a smooth talker... But I tried to make up some lines that sound kinda flirty...

Oh, for people on tumblr, I started a tumblr blog. The blog name is bcheddar13. Oh, and if you want, you can send me requests. The quarter is almost over and I'm super bored and have a lot of time on my hands (not really but I like procrastinating).

Alright, thanks all!

Bchets

 **[1]** : Seirei Tsukai no Blade Dance

 **[2]** : Seishirou Tsugumi from Nisekoi

 **[3]** : Girl into BL. Translates literally as "rotten girl".

 **[4]** : Dragonball Z (A/N: Insert over 9000 joke here)

 **[5]** : Kouta Tsuchiya from Baka to Test to Shoukanjuu. He gets nosebleeds. A lot. (A/N: They call him Muttsuriini in the show.)

 **[6]** : Un-go. Bettenou has the power to make what she says come true (sort of). (A/N: Slight spoiler? Idk.)


	2. Chapter 2

**Smooth Talk**

"You… What are you doing?" I tried my best to keep my mouth shut while Kawasomething looked at me in suspicion. If she saw that I was looking at Ebina while she was sleeping… That would be bad to say the least. I manuevered myself in between her and the door to prevent that. "Are you trying to hide something?"

I shook my head in order to answer her, but that didn't seem to satisfy her. Out of curiosity, Kawasomething leaned over a bit, trying to look past me and into the slightly open door. Seeing that, I tried to cover it up by saying that I wasn't hiding anything.

"Nothing except my feelings for you." No, Kawasomething! It's not what you think!

"Wha–" She flushed immediately after I said that. I was embarrassed, too. I probably looked as red as a guy who had too much alcohol to drink... Oh! Her name is Kawasaki **[1]**! Kawasaki looked downwards in embarrassment before speaking again. "D-do you really mean that?"

No! I don't have control over what I'm saying!

"How could I lie to a pretty girl like you?" Kawasaki swayed a little bit as if she was dizzy. I caught her and helped her stand. In response, Kawasaki gasped sharply and looked away from me. This situation was very embarrassing to be in...

"W-what are you doing?!" Kawasaki continued to lean on me while saying that. I couldn't help it, you were falling and I had to catch you. Ah, but now our faces were inches away. I should probably let go of her. Thinking of that, I gave her an answer.

"You're the one who fell into my arms. Would you like me to do something?" Kawasaki turned even redder at that comment. I was feeling like Mikorin **[2]** after spouting that line. Ugh... I need to solve this problem before anything bad happens.

"Wha... I... Uh... I think I need to lay down." Kawasaki did look like she was about to pass out. It's a good thing we were near the nurse's office... Wait, Ebina was in there as well. If Kawasaki found out what happened... I might experience hell. Luckily, she's not fully alert right now, so maybe I could just help her lay down and leave them both there... Thinking of that I offered my assistance.

"That's fine with me, but aren't you skipping a few steps?"

... Why? The other lines weren't too bad, but this one... Forgive me, Kawasaki. Kawasaki gasped again and actually fainted. I practically carried her to the bed next to the one Ebina was occupying, holding most of her weight in my arms. I laid her down and walked out of the nurse's office. Hopefully no one saw that whole situation... If someone did my social life would be over! Wait, it never existed in the first place...

* * *

I started to walk back to the club room, taking extra care to avoid contact with anyone. It was like playing Touhou on Extra, except I couldn't see the bullets coming and had a much bigger hitbox **[3]**. Since everyone I was acquainted with seemed to be here still, I needed to be extremely cautious not to bump into them. After all, if I ran into Hayama… I shuddered at that thought. It might make Ebina happy, but it would definitely be bad for both Hayama and me.

As I neared the club room, I heard some voices from inside. Yukinoshita and Yuigahama were talking with Hiratsuka-sensei. Instead of going in immediately, I listened from outside the door, waiting for an opportune moment to sneak in.

"H-Hikigaya-kun said that?"

"Yeah…"

"Yes."

"Hmm… I wonder what's gotten into him?" I really don't know, Sensei. If I did, I would do everything to fix it. "Let me go find him and see what the problem is."

I heard footsteps approaching the door. Before I could get away completely, the door opened and Hiratsuka-sensei walked out. She saw me and walked up to me.

"I heard about what you said, Hikigaya-kun… Is everything alright?" I nodded silently. Hiratsuka-sensei walked closer to me. "Are you sure? I want to help." Unable to keep my mouth shut, I spoke again without much thought.

"I'm fine now that you're here." I waited for an embarrassed reaction from Hiratsuka-sensei, but it never came. Instead, she put her hand on my shoulder and looked me in the eyes.

"I've heard my fair share of pickup lines... Sadly, those relationships didn't last long. Well, at least I have some resistance built up against this kind of smooth talk..." Seeing the sad look in her eyes, I wanted to comfort her.

"Those guys didn't know what they had." Hiratsuka-sensei smiled at me sadly. Wow, it really is a good thing that Hiratsuka-sensei had some experience with this. If this continues, then we might both leave with our dignity intact! As I thought of that, Hiratsuka-sensei tightened her grip on my shoulder.

"Now then, I'm gonna have to punch you to try to fix your problem." What?! I don't think that would fix anything! Hmm... Well it's not like Hiratsuka-sensei did one hundred push-ups, sit-ups and squats along with running ten kilometers everyday **[4]**. Wait, why would I even take the chance? "I also have to get you back for referencing my age... This one will be especially hard. Prepare yourself, Hikigaya-kun!" Fearing for my life, I opened my mouth to stop her.

"Age doesn't matter to a beauty like you!" I closed my eyes and tensed my body in preparation. But the pain never came, so I opened my eyes and looked downward. The fist had stopped a centimeter away from my body. I looked back up to see Hiratsuka-sensei's face extremely close to mine. She had her mouth open in shock and was red around her cheeks.

"W-wha… Really?" Sensei?! What happened to that impenetrable defense? Then again, even Greed's armor failed against King Bradley's assault **[5]** … Just goes to show that everyone has a weakness. In Hiratsuka-sensei's case, whether it was through compliments or insults, her weakness was her age. Wow, if she knew what I was thinking, she'd probably send me flying with her next punch. "H-Hikigaya… Y-you wanna… Um… Never mind."

What was that about… Well, at least the situation is over. Sensei walked back to the clubroom door and opened it.

"Sorry, Yukinoshita, Yuigahama… I can't do anything against _that_." Seeming a bit sad, but having a spring in her step, Hiratsuka-sensei walked back down the hall to the teacher's office.

* * *

I walked into the clubroom and saw Yuigahama hiding behind the chair Yukinoshita was sitting in. Are you seriously protecting yourself from me? I mean, separating yourself from me is reasonable, but hiding behind Yukinoshita is a bit much, don't you think?

"What's wrong? I don't bite… Unless you're into that." Never mind, it's completely reasonable to stay where you are, Yuigahama. I sat down and delved back into my light novel, trying to isolate myself from the girls so that I wouldn't embarrass myself or them. However, as I finally started to relax a bit, I heard Yukinoshita speak.

"Oh, Hiratsuka-sensei left her papers…"

"Yukinon, don't go!"

"I'm sure you'll be fine. He's focused on his book, anyway." Just because I'm reading doesn't mean I can't hear you, you know. Yukinoshita walked out of the room, leaving Yuigahama at the door. I looked up to see her glaring at me, but I didn't know how to appease her. Suddenly, I had the urge to speak to her.

"We're finally alone." Yuigahama looked downward and blushed at my comment, but then she approached me slowly.

"H-Hikki, if there's anything I can do to help…" Yuigahama, what are you doing?! Don't come near me... I'm not sure I can control myself! Wow, that sounded like it was out of an anime… And as Yuigahama got a little closer, I opened my mouth to stop her. But before I could say something that embarrassed us both, Yukinoshita walked back into the clubroom, tilting her head at the sight of the two of us.

"What are you two doing?" Yuigahama flinched and looked at Yukinoshita.

"Nothing!" She backed off and went back to her chair, seeming a bit flustered. Trust me, Yuigahama, it was best that you didn't try to help. Then, she gasped as if she realized something and pulled out her phone. A few seconds later her phone started to ring. She put the phone to her ear and started walking to the door. "Hello? Iroha-chan?"

As Yuigahama walked out the door, Yukinoshita looked up from her book and walked towards me after grabbing the teapot. As she refilled the tea cup in front of me, I continued to stare at the light novel in my hands. After she finished, she spoke up.

"Hikigaya-kun, you can ask me for help if you need it." I looked up at her and shook my head at that. She put her hand to her chin in thought, and, reaching a conclusion, spoke once more. "I hate to say it... But maybe Nee-san would be more suited to handle this." Not wanting to see that person, I spoke up to prevent that.

"Why compare yourself to her? You're already perfect." Sorry, Yukinoshita. I can't handle that person today, since I don't have the capacity to speak correctly. Yukinoshita's face turned red, and she was about to speak when the door opened again.

"Iroha-chan is on her way-" Yuigahama looked at us curiously. Then she blushed a little and looked away. "A-am I interrupting?"

"No, not at all. I was just pouring tea for Hikigaya-kun." Yukinoshita flicked her hair over her shoulder and walked back to her chair, seemingly unfazed by what had just happened. Wow, what was with that insane recovery time? Someone must have used an instant repair bucket on Yukinoshita **[6]**. Yuigahama seemed to accept the explanation and sat down.

* * *

Club life seemed normal for a while, but the door was knocked on, and I had a guess about who it could be.

"Come in." The door opened and a familiar face showed up.

"Senpaiiii!" Isshiki walked towards me and leaned very closely, causing me to blush.

"So, what's going on? There's a lot I've been hearing about you today, Senpai." I froze up, not wanting to open my mouth to say anything embarrassing. Isshiki noticed this and backed off, looking to Yukinoshita and Yuigahama for some explanation.

"I don't know what's wrong with Hikki."

"Neither do I."

"Hmm… I see. Well, I'll just have him do some manual labor for me. You don't mind, right Senpai?" I glared at her in order to convey my disapproval, but she simply smiled at me. Isshiki, did you notice that I didn't want to speak, so I couldn't explicitly say no? Your slyness is almost scary, you knowwwwwww. "Alright! Follow me, Senpai!"

As Isshiki walked out of the door, I got up to follow. However, I felt like saying some sort of "see ya later" to Yukinoshita and Yuigahama. Hmm, what's a clever way of saying that? "Smell ya later," maybe? Sounds too first gen **[7]** … While those useless thoughts were on my mind, I spoke to Yuigahama and Yukinoshita.

"I'd rather spend the rest of my day with you lovely ladies, but duty calls." Well, I guess that will have to do. Yukinoshita and Yuigahama both looked downward in embarrassment. Wow, if someone came into this room with no context, it would seem that these two had some feelings for me. However, I knew that they were just embarrassed that they were in the same room as a person who can't control his mouth.

"Senpai, you're so slow! Huh? What happened?"

"N-nothing happened Iroha-chan!"

"… Nothing at all."

"Hmm… I see. Well, let's go, Senpai!" We walked to the student council room while Isshiki gossiped about relationships between student council members. I had honestly tuned her out, since I wasn't really interested in the daily lives of normal people. However, my inattention came back to bite me as Isshiki asked me a question. "Don't you think so, Senpai?"

"You're the only thing on my mind." Ah, there goes my plan of not speaking at all to Isshiki. She seemed a bit surprised but spoke again without much hesitation.

"Hah, is that your lame attempt at a pickup line? I'm sorry, Senpai, but I won't fall for cheap flirtation like that." I never thought I'd think this, but it's a good thing Isshiki rejects me all the time. Despite thinking that, my mouth moved of its own volition.

"Oh really? Then I'll try harder to make the cute student council president fall for me." Isshiki started to blush at that one. Huh? What happened to rejecting me? Don't tell me you could only do it once… What was this, explosion magic? **[8]**

"H-hmph, not even close."

"Really? Then what was with that cute reaction?"

"I-I don't know what you're talking about… Are you sure you aren't delusional, Senpai?"

"I'm sure I'm not imagining how pretty you are." After that, Isshiki remained silent for a little as if she was in thought. Then, as if giving up, she sighed and pulled out her phone. "I can't handle you anymore, Senpai... But..." Isshiki leaned in close to me so that she was right next to my ear. "You better take responsibility for making me feel like this."

I felt the heat rise to my cheeks as Isshiki walked towards the student council room. I felt another line coming out, but instead of yelling it across the hallway, I kept quiet, as Isshiki had already turned into the student council room.

* * *

I made my way back to the club room, satisfied that I didn't have to do any of Isshiki's requests. They were usually just carrying stuff around… Who am I, Lilly? I don't wanna carry a huge backpack around the Dungeon **[9]**! I opened the door to the clubroom and walked in.

"Oh, Hikki's back."

"Ah, Hikigaya-kun, we were waiting for you… We need your help."

… Huh?

* * *

Hey all, thanks for reading. As always, reviews are read and appreciated.

Sorry about the wait! I haven't been inspired to write Oregairu lately. But I'll definitely finish this fic… It just might take a while. Also, finals are next week, so…

Uh, so I don't think I'm putting Megurin, Hayato, Saika, or Ruri in this. Yeah, sorry about that.

Anyway, I read all of your reviews… And a lot of them seemed kinda the same! Not that that's a bad thing… *twirls hair* **[10]**

So to answer some reviews:

wildarms13: I was really worried that it wasn't smooth at all… Thanks for easing my worries lol.

DarkerSuperSonic: Thanks! I sometimes worry people don't like my references, but seeing comments like yours always makes me feel good about referencing stuff.

ArmantusCumPinnae: I think you left caps lock on. I laughed pretty hard when I saw your review tho lol.

HarimaHige: Yeah, I probably did go over the top with smooth talk. But I kinda like it like that, you know? :3

Thanks all,

Bchets

Footnotes:

 **[1]** : Saki sounds kinda like sake.

 **[2]** : Gekkan Shoujo Nozaki-kun. Mikorin says some cool lines and gets embarrassed after he says them.

 **[3]** : Touhou is a bullet hell game.

 **[4]** : One-Punch Man

 **[5]** : Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood

 **[6]** : Kancolle (A/N: Yes, I play the game. Judge me.)

 **[7]** : Your rival says this in Pokemon Red, Blue, and Yellow (1st generation).

 **[8]** : Konosuba. Megumin can only use her explosion magic once per day. (A/N: Small spoiler? Idk.)

 **[9]** : Lilly from Danmachi.

 **[10]** : Yuigahama twirls her hair after saying something like, "Not that that's a bad thing..." often in the LN.


	3. Chapter 3

**Smooth Talk**

"We need your help." Seeing Yukinoshita and Yuigahama asking for my help despite everything that happened today was a bit of a shock. I mean, are you two really that forgiving? Or maybe they're... masochists?! Then again, neither of them act like Darkness **[1]** , so maybe that's incorrect. "I'll go first, Yuigahama.

I gulped as Yukinoshita cleared her throat loudly, looking a bit flustered. Seeing her like that made my heart race.

"T-there's a guy that I l-like..." What?! The Ice Queen Yukinoshita is saying this to me?! Not that I really care who it is... And why does it make me uncomfortable listening to this? Must be because of how out of character Yukinoshita is right now... "S-should I confess to him? What if he says no?"

"Anyone would be lucky to have you. But if he says no... Then I'd be glad to tell you yes." Please don't hate me, Yukinoshita. After all, you should know better than to provoke me like that! However, instead of reacting as I thought she would, Yukinoshita had her hand to her chin in thought. Then she started typing on the laptop at the table.

"Hmm... I suppose that'll do. We'll just remove that last part and say something like... Yuigahama-san, how's this?" Huh? What's going on? As I stood there confused, Yuigahama walked up to the computer and nodded with a smile.

"Looks good! What do you think, Hikki?" She slid the laptop over and I read the screen. On the top was the request that Yukinoshita had said aloud (minus the stuttering). On the bottom was:

The Service Club: Anyone would be lucky to have you. But if he says no, then there's plenty of fish in the sea.

Wow, I feel used. I mean, it's a great idea and all, but using my... condition for answering requests is a bit underhanded, don't you think?

On an unrelated note, what kind of username is "Sagamin~"? The reason for usernames is to remain anonymous while the Service Club answers your requests. We all know who "Sagamin~" is! At least make a portmanteau with your first and last names or something **[2]**...

"Well, at least Hikigaya-kun is good for something for once." You wound me, Yukinoshita. I kept my mouth shut knowing that anything I would say would embarrass both of us.

"My turn!" Yuigahama slid the laptop towards her and looked closely at the screen. "Ah, this one's from Yumiko! 'A boy I've thought of as an acquaintance acted strangely towards me today. I don't know what I'm feeling right now, but it is definitely unexpected. What should I do?'"

... Yeah, I'm sorry again, Miura. As if sensing my guilt, Yuigahama looked at me closely, so I averted my eyes. Then, as if realizing something, she started typing on the laptop. Yukinoshita walked over to her and glanced at the screen.

"'You shouldn't worry about that at all... He's probably just acting weird for the day... Just treat him as normal.' Wait, could she be talking about Hikigaya-kun?" After reading it aloud, Yukinoshita stared at me with curiosity. I turned away due to embarrassment. I mean, who could withstand my guilt accompanied by the stare of the Ice Queen?

"A-anyway, let's go to the next question. Ah, how about this one?" Nice save, Yuigahama! Yuigahama and Yukinoshita gazed at the screen while I sat down and waited for them to call on me again. "Two of my friends are having a fight. I can't decide on who to support, but I still want us all to be friends. What should I do?" The two girls looked at me for my response, so I started to speak.

"You shouldn't choose either. Choose me instead." The two girls looked at each other and came to a conclusion.

"That won't really work..."

"It seems this method can't solve every request... I take back what I said about Hikigaya-kun being useful." They both looked over at me, so I shrugged as a response. "Well, he succeeded once. Maybe we should just focus on the relationship ones?"

"Sounds good!" No it doesn't, Yuigahama. I don't want to help out these normals who only focus on their misconceptions of love. They should honestly just go watch some romance anime like Strawberry Panic **[3]** , or something. Actually that anime might only be applicable to Yurigahama... Wait, are these requests something that the Service Club should be resolving in the first place?!

"Then what about..." Yukinoshita and Yuigahama continued to relay requests to me. Occasionally I would give answers that were inapplicable or unacceptable, but the majority of the time my responses could be modified to answer the questions sent to us. Eventually, the questions stopped coming and Yukinoshita said the words I had been waiting for.

"Shall we call it a day?"

* * *

After packing up our things and cleaning the clubroom, the three of us gave the key to Hiratsuka-sensei (who still seemed a bit off) and made our way outside of the school. After grabbing my bike, we walked together for a little while, until our paths diverged.

"I can't wait to see you two again tomorrow." It seems I'm still like this... Ugh, when will it end? If only this lasted five minutes before I couldn't continue... But then again, I don't have an older sister that sealed this power away like Ayato **[4]**.

"S-see ya, Hikki."

"G-goodbye."

As those two walked together, as "friendly" as ever, I got on my bike and started to pedal towards my house. Surprisingly, my phone vibrated inside my bag, so I pulled over and checked the screen. It was a message from Komachi that said:

"Onii-chan, go buy some chicken for dinner. You're the best Onii-chan ever! Ooh, I think that earned me a ton of Komachi points~"

More work, huh? I started biking over to Chiba Station. Might as well get this done quickly. After all, my motto is: "If I don't have to do it, I won't. If I have to do it, I'll make it quick." What, that's someone else's motto? Well they're definitely words to live by **[5]**.

I ended up at Chiba station at a particularly busy hour. After finding a place to park my bike, I walked into Chiba station, weaving my way in between high school students and white collar workers who were done for the day. As always, these normals impeded my daily life. Honestly all these people should just go-

While I was thinking that I saw a familiar grade school student with long black hair. Tsurumi Rumi was standing there with a similar-looking woman. Ah, that must be her mom. Maybe I should go greet them…

Wait! Phew that was close. I almost forgot about my inability to talk correctly... I should probably avoid her. Trying to move around the spot where she was, I walked towards my right, making sure she didn't see me. However, since I wasn't paying close attention to my surroundings, I accidentally bumped into someone.

"Hey, watch it- Oh, it's Hikigaya." Orimoto Kaori stood there, smiling widely at me.

* * *

"It's pretty rare to see you at Chiba Station, huh?" I refrained responding from Orimoto, which led her to ask another question. "So, why are you here on a weekday?"

Instead of answering, I pulled out my phone and showed her the text from Komachi. Wow, it's convenient that Komachi texted me that… It's almost as if she foresaw this event! My little sister can't be this psychic **[6]**! While I was thinking that worthless thought, Orimoto had finished reading and nodded at me.

"Ah, I see. Well, I'm headed that way too, so we can walk together." I simply nodded at that. We started walking together, but I noticed we were nearing Tsurumi Rumi. Rumi glanced over at me and I gazed back. However, when Orimoto started talking to me, her gaze turned into a glare. It's a good thing I was unaffected by that, otherwise my speed would be drastically reduced! "Hey, Hikigaya, who are you staring at?"

Refusing to speak, I shook my head no. Orimoto seemed to accept the answer, but I could still feel Rumi glaring daggers at me from behind. Well, I suppose seeing me with a girl is bound to surprise anyone. I understand your suspicion, Rumi, but it's really not my fault that I bumped into her! Orimoto continued to talk, gossiping about people, while I remained silent.

"You seem even more quiet than usual. Is something wrong?" I shook my head, but she leaned closer to me and continued to question me. "Hmm... There's definitely something wrong. Are you uncomfortable around me?" She asked that with a smile that didn't seem too happy, so I opened my mouth to respond.

"You just leave me speechless whenever I see you." I waited to see Orimoto's reaction, half expecting to see her turn away in embarrassment or disgust (the latter was more likely). However, Orimoto simply blinked at me once, as if processing exactly what I said, then she started laughing loudly.

"Did you always say stuff like that? Hilarious!"

"What's hilarious is that I never noticed how beautiful you are." Orimoto continued laughing.

"Hahaha! Imagine if everyone from middle school could see you now. Flirting with a girl without a care in the world... What would they think?" It was a good thing Orimoto was resilient against this, but I continued to spout lines at her until she suddenly stopped in front of a clothing store. "Ah this is where I wanted to go. Thanks for walking with me Hikigaya... Oh and you should stop talking like that. It's a bit embarrassing..."

Ah, so she was affected... Well we were in a pretty crowded place, so it is a bit embarrassing to anyone to be complimented in front of all these people, huh?

"Oh, then I'll save it for when we're alone." Orimoto visibly reacted to that, but instead of hearing her laugh again, I saw her cheeks turn red. Orimoto turned away in embarrassment, which was a new sight for me.

"W-well, I'll see you later, Hikigaya! Hmm... Maybe I'll take you up on that offer..." As Orimoto walked into the store, I was left outside pondering what she had just said. However, as I turned and saw my destination, I decided to pay her statement no mind and set my mind on the task Komachi gave me.

* * *

After buying the chicken Komachi had requested, I got my bike and put the chicken in the basket before making my way home. The sun has set already, and the wind was a bit cold but refreshing. I arrived home without any problems. I walked in and went to the kotatsu, but did not find Komachi there.

"Ah, welcome home, Onii-chan." Komachi was standing there, her hair still wet from the bath she must have been taking. Please dry your hair before going back to studying! Studying isn't so important that you should forsake your own well being to do it! Who are you, Shizuku **[7]**? "Oh, is that the chicken? Thanks!"

"Anything for my incredibly cute sister." Crap. I usually say stuff like that with no emotion, but today I said it a bit too emphatically. I didn't mean what I had said at all. I'm not Kyousuke, you know **[8]**! While I do care for my sister, enough for other people to call me a siscon, I'm not actually one! While internally rejecting what I had just said, Komachi visibly shuddered.

"Onii-chan…" Ugh… this situation is all wrong. Please don't tell me that Komachi is- "You're really grossing me out right now." Good. Thank you, gods of romantic comedy, for helping me out when I desperately needed it. Despite thinking that, my mouth continued to move on its own.

"Hmm, maybe cute isn't the right word. Perhaps it's more-"

"Seriously stop, Onii-chan. I might call the police on you or something." After hearing that and sensing the potential danger of what could come next, it seemed as if something clicked in my brain.

"S-sorry." Ah, all it took was for someone to threaten me to make me stop? It's almost a bit surprising that no one did… Well, whatever. "Thank you, Komachi."

"Huh? For what?"

"N-nothing."

"... Anyway, I heard about all the things you said at school today, you know. I'm glad to know you're trying, but taking it that far is a bit… Also, saying those things to both Yui-san and Yukino-san is rude. You should just make a decision!" I seriously didn't understand a word she was saying after that first sentence. Was Komachi always this cryptic? But then again, if I question her, she'll probably just say something like:

"Wow, my gomii-chan sure is dense…"

So, in avoiding that, I carefully chose a response.

"Yeah… sorry about that."

"It's okay. You don't have to rush things, Onii-chan." Thoroughly confused by Komachi, I decided to leave her alone to study. And finally, after the long day that had passed, I fell into a peaceful slumber.

* * *

Hey all, thanks for sticking with this fic. I'm slowing down a bit due to school and life, so bear with me. The aftermath of 8man's smooth talk is up next. A certain character needs to make her appearance, and I wouldn't take that away from you all.

Oh, Ruri and Sagami only made small appearances in this fic. 8man smooth talking to them would just be... Weird, right? Lolicon 8man is an interesting thought, though...

Responses to reviews:

To all you incest fans who vocalized your opinions in the reviews, I'm sorry I'm such a tease! ;3  
But I think Komachi would really respond like that lol

Everyone who was complaining about no Saika, I apologize again. Honestly I think smooth talking 8man would absolutely woo Saika, but I don't really want things to go that far in this fic lol.

Rear Mirrors: I think she did it like once in the LN. Don't really feel like scouring every volume for it, so I'll yield to you and say you're right. You most likely are right, anyway. My memory is a bit bad.

Stealth Worshipper: About the honorifics... You're probably right. I do vaguely remember her attaching some honorifics... But my memory is bad and I'm not gonna check. So, I'll just call it quits and say, "Oops!"

wildarms13: Thanks for reminding me that Sagami exists. I always seem to forget for some reason...

FireHero: Thanks! Konosuba was hilarious, right?

Til next time,

Bchets

 **[1]** : Konosuba. Darkness is a masochist (A/N: Small spoiler? idk.)

 **[2]** : A portmanteau is uhh... when you combine two names to make a name that represents them both? Like HayaHachi. (A/N: *Looks at my username and sighs*)

 **[3]** : Strawberry Panic is a yuri romance anime.

 **[4]** : The Asterisk War (A/N: Omg season 2)

 **[5]** : Houtarou Oreki's motto in Hyouka.

 **[6]** : A pun on Oreimo (My little sister can't be this cute)

 **[7]** : Shizuku from My Little Monster. Studying is her life.

 **[8]** : Kyousuke from Oreimo. (A/N: Two Oreimo references?!)


End file.
